He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
