Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
