the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
