I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
