New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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