Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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