I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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