Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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