Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
