Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
someone owes me an orgasm
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
