The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
