And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
