I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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