Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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