We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
