Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
