Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
