did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
