apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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