i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
