I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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