you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
