yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
