you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
