I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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