Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
