Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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