If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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