Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Randomize
