I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
