i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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