Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We got so high we made milksteak
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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