The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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