he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
