I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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