i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
