After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
