he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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