I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
