Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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