I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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