is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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