Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
