i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
