WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
