ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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