She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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