I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
