Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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