so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
