best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
