Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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