The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
