apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
