What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
