I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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