Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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